Going back. One step at a time. Slowly. You start with one second. Just one second: don’t hit anyone. Walk away, when it comes. Keep it inside. Stop it. Two seconds: don’t thrash things. Stop. Don’t throw things. Three seconds: don’t manipulate. It is too easy, to make others do what you want – especially men. Don’t do it. It is the red key, that will open the door. The door must be closed. It must be hidden in plain sight, but don’t tell them, what’s behind the door. Normal people don’t understand, why the door needs to be closed and they should not. They can smell it on you anyway. The wild, the animal, the beast… a dark shadow running by your side. They think it is interesting – it’s something else… something new and exciting. You do not let them through the door. They don’t deserve that, just because they were curious. You slam it, reinforce it… again and again, with metal. Shining chrome.
One minute: smile- really smile. Find anything to make you smile. A child, a flower, a TV show, music – anything. Small things. Tiny details. Keep it small. Petite. If it is to big, your thoughts will start imagining again. Imagination leads to nightmares. Focus only on the little things. Two minutes: laugh. Every day. If you cannot do it yourself, find it in others. See it every day. Find one grin, one giggle. People tremble, when they laugh. It’s a good tremble. Practice that kind of tremble. Teach the body to tremble in a new way. Or try to cry. That’s also a tremble. A different one.
One night: sleep with no nightmares. No faces in gray, black and white. No red color. No voices. Keep out the voices. When the voices come, turn on music. Very load. Block out the voices. Do not let the voices in. They always say the same… open the door. It would be the easy thing to do. They lie.
One day: get up: be on time – not your own time – but theirs. It is okay. They don’t want to hurt you, only an animal thinks like that.
One week: new place. Stay. Don’t run. Stop running. Run away and you lose your way. Again. You get lost and you don’t know where you run to. It’s not always a nice place. You don’t think, when you run. You don’t feel. Don’t be tempted to run.
A month: Study. Read. Learn. Knowledge helps, when you feel the urge to run again. Find out why. There is always an answer.
Half a year: do your exams. Fix a lamp. Go dancing. Talk to normal people. Listen to them. Try not to tell them, that what they say, has no meaning to you. Makes no sense. Has no value to you. Remember that only few know what’s behind the door. They like their things. That’s normal. Things. Talking about shoes, cars, desks. Don’t think about walking and getting lost, rides and mahogany, when they do. Practice the normal.
It starts with one second.
It is always there. It always comes back. Dont let it.